Monday, December 28, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Top Seventeen (!) Christmas Songs:
17. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas – Perry Como
16. The Twelve Days of Christmas
15. Jingle Bell Rock
14. Holly Jolly Christmas – Burl Ives
13. Jingle Bells
12. Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer
11. The Chanukah Song – Adam Sandler
10. Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer
9. Auld Lang Syne
8. The Most Wonderful Time of Year – Andy Williams
7. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – Frank Sinatra
6. Let it Snow – Dean Martin
5. Little Drummer Boy
4. Silent Night – Amy Grant
3. I’ll be Home For Christmas
2. Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Bruce Springstein
1. White Christmas – Bing Crosby
Sunday, December 20, 2009
9. Home Alone – Who can forget this movie? Little Kevin McAllister left home all alone while his family goes on vacation and forget to take him. Doesn’t this warm a little wish fullfilment in all of us? Of course watching it now as a mom it is a little horrifying watching them take off without him… but still he took care of himself, didn’t he?
8. Love Actually – 8 different stories all intertwined around the holidays. Brilliant! A little racy, so maybe not for the kids. But all you grown-ups should rent the dvd and enjoy!
7. Nightmare Before Christmas – Kudos to Tim Burton. Awakens the dark humor in all of us and nudges all of our Goth alter egos… well maybe not all of us!
6. A Christmas Story – This has to be on the list. If only for the fact that it is played on television networks on 24 hour loop on Christmas day.
5. A Charlie Brown Christmas – Charlie Brown searching for the true meaning of Christmas.
I always looked forward to this as a kid. It was usually one of the first specials they would air during the holiday season.
4. Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer – How can you go wrong here. Another childhood favorite. Rudolf, The Abomidable Snow Creature, Hermie the dentist/elf and the island of misfit toys. Oh, how the other reindeer were so jealous when Rudolf saved the day!
3. How The Grinch Stole Christmas – Love the Jim Carrey version, but the original cartoon was a masterpiece. Dr. Seuss was a genius. All the Whos in Whoville singing their Christmas songs… even after their Christmas was stolen by the Grinch. My heart grows each time I watch it.
2. Miracle on 34th Street – A holiday classic and staple in my house growing up. In the days before DVR or even VCR, we’d get the old TV Guide and circle the dates for when "Miracle on 34th Street" would be on. I still try and watch it every Christmas.
1. White Christmas – A holiday classic and my all time favorite! Love it. Love it. Love it!! Go watch it today… you won’t be sorry.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
#9 - "I have no problem with change. I just don't like to be there when it happens."
#8 - "That officer outside told me I was dead. I'm not dead! Am I?"
#6 - “Nature! I've got Nature on my hand! Get it off!”
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
9. “There it is (The Krusty Krab) the finest eating establishment ever established for eating.”--SpongeBob
8. “You mean what we thought they thought, we think and thought they thought. We think?” - Patrick
7. “Psst, Squidward, I'm working in the kitchen... at night! Hey Squidward, guess what? I'm chopping lettuce... at night! Look at me, I'm swabbing the bathroom... at night! OW I burned my hand!... at night!” -SpongeBob
6. “Is mayonnaise an instrument?"-Patrick
5. “Do u smell that? That smell, it's the smell of a smelly smell that smells smelly.” – Mr. Krabs
4. "Oh well, I guess I'm not wearing any pants today!" - SpongeBob
3. “Squidward, I used your clarinet to unclog my toilet.” - SpongeBob
2. “This isn't your average darkness ... This is advanced darkness!” – SpongeBob
1. "I anything can't do right since because pickles!" -SpongeBob
1. "This city needs to be destroyed!!! Or at least painted another color." Squidward
2. Gary: “Meow”.
SpongeBob: “Gary. Where's your holiday spirit?”
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Top Ten quotes from SNL's weekend update segment called, "Really!?!" with Seth and Amy
9. (Topic: recent outbursts, in the same week, by Joe Wilson, Serena Williams and Kanye West)
Really, pick better targets. No one is impressed when you take your stands against 19-year-old girls, tiny Asian ladies or the first black president. Really? Who are you gonna go after next koalas? Baby koalas? I mean Really!?! Rude! Really!
8. (Topic: Rod Blagojevich)
And it’s besides the point, but your hair? …. It looks like someone put the hair on backwards on one ot those Fisher Price people. The first time I saw you I thought you were walking a way. Really.
7. (Topic AIG Bailout)
6. (Topic: AIG Bailout)
5. (Topic: AIG Bailout)
Also, really. The federal reserve on Wednesday agreed to provide a second 37 Billion dollar loan on top of the original 85 Billion dollar loan. Which brings us to a new segment we like to call… OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Oh my God are you serious federal government? Are you really serious? Oh my God!
It’s like you gave a hundred dollars to your junkie cousin then ran in to him at the dog track and gave him another 37 Billion dollars! Oh My God ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Seriously are you serious? Really? Oh my God! HUH!
4. (Topic: Kanye West)
3. (Topic Michael Phelps)
2. (Topic: Kanye West)
1. ( Topic: Michael Phelps)
Friday, October 16, 2009
9. “I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”
8. “I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.”
7. “I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.”
6. “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.”
5. “If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.”
4. “Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
3. “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
October 1916-August 30, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
9. "Homer, I've gone through seven years of receipts, and you've spent less on gifts for me than you have on temporary tattoos."
8. "I brought you a tuna sandwich. They say it's brain food. I guess because there's so much dolphin in it, and you know how smart they are."
7. “We have roots here, Homer. We have friends and library cards … Bart’s lawyer is here”
6. "The way I see it, if you can raise three kids who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right."
5. "Homer! I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children!"
4. "Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins."
3. "You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."
2. "You love Shake n' Bake. You used to put it in your coffee."
1. "Rap music belongs in the rubbish bin! It encourages punching, boastfulness and rudeness towards hos!"
Monday, October 12, 2009
10. "What if it's boring - or if it's not boring, it might be too revealing, or worse, it might be too revealing and still be boring."
9. "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
8. "We are all in this together, by ourselves."
7. "Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse."
6. "Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. "
5. "I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody."
4. "I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain."
3. "No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up."
2. "Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it."
1. “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”
Friday, February 27, 2009
"God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers." -- A Jewish Proverb
"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." --Elizabeth Stone
"Youth fades; love droops, the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. ~Ambrose Bierce
"A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take."-- Cardinal Mermillod
"A mother is never cocky or proud, because she knows the school principal may call at any minute to report that her child has just driven a motorcycle through the gymnasium."-- Mary Kay Blakeley
"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother."-- Unknown
Children seldom misquote you. They more often repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. -Mae Maloo
FOR ALL MOTHERS...
This is for all the mothers who have sat up all night with sick children in their arms, wiping up barf, laced with Oscar Meyer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's OK honey, Mommy's here."
This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see and for the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.
For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes and for all the mothers who don't.
What makes a good mother anyway?
Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?
The jolt that takes you from sleeping to dread, from bed to crib at 2 a.m. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
Is it the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a school shooting, a fire, a car accident, a baby dying?
I think so.
So this is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the mothers who wanted to but just couldn't.
This is for reading "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then reading it again, "Just one more time".
This is for all the mothers who mess up. Who yell at their kids in grocery store and swat them in despair and stomp their feet like a tired two year old who wants ice cream before dinner.
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started to school and for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.
For all the mothers who bite their lips (sometimes until they bleed) when their 14 year olds dyed their hair green.
This is for all the mothers who lock themselves in the bathroom when babies keep crying and won't stop.
This is for all mothers who show at work with spit-up in their hair and milkstains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.
This is for mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.
This is for all mothers whose heads turn automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home or are grown.
This is for mothers who put pinwheels and teddy bears on their children's graves.
This is for all the mothers whose children have gone astray and who can't find words to reach them.
This is for all the mothers who sent their child to school with a stomach ache, assuring that they would be just FINE once they got there, only to get a call from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up right away.
This is for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And mature mothers learning to let go.
For working moms and stay-at-home moms. Single mothers and married mothers.
Mothers with money and mothers without.
This is for you, so hang in there. The world would be a terrible place without the love of mothers everywhere. You make it a more civil, caring and safe place for the precious children in our world.
~~ Author Unknown ~~
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Dwight: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [lights a cigarette] Today, smoking is gonna save lives. [throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid]
Dwight: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Michael: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.
Michael: Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.
Michael: So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist.
Michael: Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight: I have.
Michael: Let's hear it.
Dwight: [clears throat] "I state my regret."
Jim: You couldn't of memorized that?
Dwight: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.
Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!
Michael: Remember when people used to say ‘boss,’ when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, ‘boss’ is just slang for ‘jerk in charge’.
Dwight: It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.
Michael: I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
Pam: Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Michael: Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam: Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage]
Kevin: How small is it?
Pam: If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!
Bonus Quotes (There were so many more than just 10 from this episode!):
Michael: They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case.
Oscar: I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry.
Andy: Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.
Michael: We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.
Pam: We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people.
Jim: And we don't know how.
Pam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim: Punishment fits the crime.
Michael: My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice...
Monday, February 23, 2009
Professor McGonagall: Albus, do you really think it wise, leaving him here with these people? I've watched them all day, they're the worst sort of Muggles imaginable. They really are...
"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends." - Albus Dumbledore
“So light a fire!" Harry choked. "Yes...of course...but there's no wood!" Hermione cried, wringing her hands. "HAVE YOU GONE MAD!" Ron bellowed. "ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!"
"The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with caution." - Albus Dumbledore.
Hagrid: You're a wizard, Harry!
Caretaker Argus Filch: A pity they let the old punishment die... Was a time detention found you hanging by your thumbs in the dungeons... God, I miss the screaming.
Hermione: Now if you two don't mind, I'm going to bed before either of you can come up with another clever idea to get us all killed - or worse, expelled.
Ron: What do they think they're doing, keeping a thing like that locked up in a school?
“Your aunt and uncle will be proud, though, won’t they?” said Hermione as they got off the train and joined the crowd thronging toward the enchanted barrier. “When they hear what you did this year?” “Proud?” said Harry. “Are you crazy? All those times I could’ve gotten myself killed and I didn’t manage it? They’ll be furious…”
Friday, February 20, 2009
#9 - Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us. - Mary Bennett, Chapter 5.
#8 - "Nothing is more deceitful," said Darcy, "than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast." - Chapter 10.
#7 - You expect me to account for opinions which you choose to call mine, but which I have never acknowledged. - Darcy to Elizabeth, Chapter 10.
#6 - Laugh as much as you choose, but you will not laugh me out of my opinion. - Jane Bennett, Chapter 17.
#5 - The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense. -Elizabeth, Chapter 24.
#3 - Neither duty, nor honour, nor gratitude ... have any possible claim on me. - Elizabeth to Lady Catherine de Bourgh, Chapter 56.
#2 - You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever. - Darcy to Elizabeth, Chapter 58.
#1 - I cannot fix on the hour, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun. - Darcy to Elizabeth who asked him to to account for having fallen in love with her, Chapter 60.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
From the Dilbert series of comic strips, drawn by Scott Adams.
#10 - Bob the Dinosaur: It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.
#9 - Dogbert: This'll cure you immediately.
Dilbert: Really? What is it?
Dogbert: A placebo.
Dilbert: A placebo? Now that you've told me it's a placebo, it's not gonna work.
Dogbert: It will if you think it will.
Dilbert: But I already know it's a placebo!
Dogbert: Maybe it isn't.
Dilbert: You just said it was!
Dogbert: That's precisely the power of the placebo.
#8 - Dogbert: I like to con people. And I like to insult people. If you combine con & insult, you get consult!
#7 - Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's School for the Socially Oblivious. Today I'll pair you with someone whose social defect will cancel out your own.
#6 - Dogbert: Work is for losers. A winner says 'That's on my list' and never commits to a deadline.
#5 - Dogbert: There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.
#4 - Dogbert: Your biggest asset is rampant ignorance. You would never start a project if you knew how much it would really cost. Employees stay here because they don't know there are better jobs across the street. Customers buy your products because they don't know about all the bugs. I recommend wearing trash cans on your heads to avoid accidental exposure to knowledge.
#3 - Dogbert: Dear Tim, your book does not meet our current publishing needs. Your plot was lame and I hated your characters. By association I have come to hate you too. For safety reasons, I have hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript.
#2 Dogbert: You're not entitled to your opinion. I copyrighted all of the stupidest opinions in the universe so they can never again be uttered.
#1 - Catbert: Your boss says you have a bad attitude.
Dilbert: That's because my project is a flailing corpse of misery, and my boss donated his brain to a gum museum. If I had a good attitude in this situation, it would be a sign of mental imbalance. My bad attitude is proof that I am thinking clearly. Are you going to compliment me on my clarity or demand I be irrational?
Catbert: I'm putting you in charge of the Employee Morale Festival.
Dilbert: I have a sudden urge to grab you by the tail and beat myself to death.
Catbert: That's how I know I won the meeting.
Monday, February 16, 2009
#9 – Walk around the house in your bathrobe all day long.
#8 – Apologize to your dog for not being able to take him outside… again.
#7 – Clean up the dog’s pee from under the kitchen table. Sigh.
#6 – Go on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and your blog. Complain endlessly to the virtual world about the rain, your misery and of all the great things you could be doing, but can’t. Wait patiently as the influx of empathetic comments and well wishes from your friends, fans and followers arrive in your inbox or comments.
#5 – Fall into a deep depression, of which the depths will leave you scarred and miserable for the rest of your life. Or until the sun comes out again.
#4 – Check the weather channel, throw shoe at TV.
#3 – Bake some chocolate chip cookies. You will be wearing layers of clothing for the rest of your life because the rain will never stop, so tell the annoying voice in your head to “shut-up” and indulge. You so know you want to.
#2 – Sit on couch and stare out window. Visualize the rain stopping and believe that you can will it away with your mind. Do this until it stops, then take full credit.
#1 – Punch anyone in the face that says “the rain is good, we really need it.”
Friday, February 13, 2009
#10 - Why did the blonde drive into the ditch
To turn the blinker off.
#9 - Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
#8 - Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said “Don’t Walk.”
#7 - Why did the blonde burn her ear?
The phone rang while she was ironing!
#6 - If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde would have to stop for directions!
#5 - Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?
It said "concentrate" on it!
#4 – Why couldn’t the blonde call “911?”
She couldn’t find the “11” button.
#3 - Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
Because she loved children.
#2 - How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?
Tell her a joke on a Monday!
#1 - Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
9. Pam: Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.
8. Kevin: I'd like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I'd still like one.
7. Michael: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
6. Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
5. Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
4. Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." [flips to another paper] "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim: [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.
Michael: [reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.
Michael: [reading] "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'."
Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."
Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.
3. Michael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.
2. Dwight: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
1. Dwight: It's a terrible idea. (the women of the office are gathered in the conference room for a “women in the workplace” seminar)
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
#10 - Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
#9 - If a plane crashed on the border of USA and Canada, where would they bury the survivors?
#8 - You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position do you finish?
#7 - A man rides into town on his horse. He rides in on Monday spends 6 days in town and leaves on Friday. How is that possible?
#6 - Two cops walked into a room with no windows and found a dead man who obviously hung himself from the ceiling, though they couldn't figure out how. There was no chair beneath him that he might have jumped off of, or a table. Just a puddle of water. How did he do it?
#5 - It's more powerful than God. It's more evil than the devil. The poor have it. The rich need it. If you eat it, you'll die. What am I?
#4 - You have four unmarked bottles of pills each containing 100 tablets. One bottle of pills is poisoned. The good pills weigh exactly 1 gram a piece. The poisoned ones weigh exactly 1.1 gram a piece. You also have use of a scale, but can only use it one time. How can you determine with certainty which bottle of pills is poisoned?
#3 - A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
#2 - A man leaves home and takes three left turns. Upon arriving back home he comes across two men wearing masks. Who are these men?
#1 - George's mother had three children: one named April, one named May, and one named what?
10. all of them
9. you don't bury survivors
7. his horse is named Friday
6. he stood on a block of ice
4. remove 1 pill from bottle #1
remove 2 pills from bottle #2
remove 3 pills from bottle #3
remove 4 pills from bottle #4
combine all 10 pills together and weigh them. If bottle #1 has the poisoned pills, the 10
pills will weigh 10.1 grams.
10.2 = bottle #2
10.3 = bottle #3
10.4 = bottle #4
3. She is a photographer... she shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
2. a catcher and an umpire
Monday, February 9, 2009
#9 - Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
#8 - Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
#7 - We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
#6 - Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
#5 - Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
#4 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
#3 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
#2 - 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
#1 - You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Friday, February 6, 2009
#9 - "It takes a long time to grow an old friend." - John Leonard
#8 - "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
#7 - "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with." - Mark Twain
#6 - "Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job." – Unknown
#5 - "Friendship is always a sweet responsibilty, never an oppourtunity." - Kahil Gibran
#4 - "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." - Flavia
#3 - "Believe not only in yourself, but believe in your friends as well for it is in the eyes of your friends that you discover yourself."- Emmy Huot
#2 - "Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success." - Oscar Wilde
#1 – “You and I will be friends until we are old and senile… then we’ll be new friends.” - Unknown
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
#9 – “When late morning rolls around and you're feeling a bit out of sorts, don't worry; you're probably just a little eleven o'clockish.”-- Winnie the Pooh
#8 – “Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.” -- Winnie the Pooh
#7 – “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like, ‘What about lunch?’” -- Winnie the Pooh
#6 - “Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone what you are looking for before you begin looking for it.” -- Winnie the Pooh
#5 – “My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.” -- Winnie the Pooh
#4 – “If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.” -- Winnie the Pooh
#3 – “I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit. "No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way.” -- Winnie the Pooh
#2 – “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.” -- Winnie the Pooh
#1 - "Well," said Pooh, "what I like best -- " and then he had to stop and think. Because although eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. -- Winnie the Pooh
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Jim: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Jim: Thank you.
Dwight: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.
Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.
Dwight: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision.
Michael: Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Michael: The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did, because we were ahead.
Dwight: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
Dwight: Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
Dwight: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
Jim: Absolutely, I do.
Dwight: Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...
Jim: (to the camera, away from Dwight)At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me. And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way."
Michael: People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.
Dwight: Damn it! Jim!
Michael: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?
Dwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
Dwight: That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.
Monday, February 2, 2009
by Portia Nelson
1. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.
2. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place but, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.
3. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. my eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.
4. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.
5. I walk down another street.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The following is the story of one 10 year-old boy who decided to study Judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.
The boy began his lessons with an old Japanese Judo Master. As the boy was doing well in his lessons, he could not understand why after three months of training and his master had taught him only one move.
“Sensei,” the boy finally asked. “Shouldn’t I be learning more moves?”
“This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you’ll ever need to know.” the sensei replied.
Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.
Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match. Still amazed byhis success, the boy was now in the finals.
This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy might get hurt,the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.
“No.” the sensei insisted. “Let him continue.”
Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him down. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion.
On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.
“Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?”
“You won for two reasons,” the sensei answered. “First, you’ve almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of Judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm.”
The boy’s biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
A weary mother returned from the store,
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.
"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It's on the new paper you just hung in the den.
I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."
She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,
"Where is your little brother right now?"
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride,
She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.
She called his full name as she entered his room.
He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.
Lamenting all the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears.
When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul with a dart.
It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it,
With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friend the following afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him, and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, I saw a tear in his eye.I handed him his glasses and said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives." He looked at me and said, "Hey, thanks!" There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. It turned out he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before coming to this school. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play football on Saturday with me and my friends. He said yes. We hung all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him. And my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Damn boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!". He just laughed and handed me half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day arrived - I saw Kyle and he looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than me and all the girls loved him! Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said. As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story..."
I stared at my friend in disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize its depth. Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way. Look for God in others.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year-old son waiting for him at the door. "Daddy, may I ask you a question?" "Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man."Daddy, how much do you make an hour?" "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily."I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy."If you must know, I make $20 an hour." “Oh," the little boy replied, with his head down. Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I please borrow $10 from you?" The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behaviour."The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money? After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $10 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door."Are you asleep, son?" He asked."No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy."I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man, "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $10 you asked for."The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" He yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father."Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the father grumbled."Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied."Daddy, I have $20 now. Can I buy an hour of your time?"
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator.If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.""Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested."Yes, it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through hismind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.""Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action.""What did you do?" I asked."Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.'"Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
Friday, January 9, 2009
A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon. On the day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as the moth struggled to force the body through that little hole.
The moth seemed to be stuck and appeared to have stopped making progress. It seemed as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. The man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth; so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily. But its body was swollen and small, its wings wrinkled and shriveled. The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to and able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a small, swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. The man in his kindness and haste did not understand that the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was necessary to force fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight upon achieving its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets, and don't forget the power in the struggle.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying, "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone, you may as well just kiss your ass goodbye.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The parable is told of an old dog that fell into a farmer’s well. After assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the dog but decided that neither the dog nor the well were worth the trouble of saving. Instead he planned to bury the old dog in the well and put him out of his misery.
When the farmer began shoveling, initially the old dog was hysterical. But as the farmer continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back, a thought struck him. It dawned the dog that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back he should shake it off and step up. This he did blow after blow.
“Shake it off and step up, shake it off and step up, shake it off and step up!” he repeated to encourage himself.
No matter how painful the blows or how distressing the situation seemed, the old dog fought panic and just kept shaking it off and stepping up. It was not long before the dog, battered and exhausted, stepped triumphantly over the wall of that well. What seemed as though it would bury him actually benefited him – all because of the way he handled his adversity.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Once upon a time, there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day, as he was walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself at the thought of someone who would dance to the day, and so, he walked faster to catch up. As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, and that what he was doing was not dancing at all. The young man was reaching down to the shore, picking up small objects, and throwing them into the ocean.
He came closer still and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?"
The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean."
"I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man.
To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."
Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!"
At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one."