Friday, February 27, 2009

Top Ten Quotes on Motherhood

"God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers." -- A Jewish Proverb

"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." --Elizabeth Stone

"Youth fades; love droops, the leaves of friendship fall; A mother's secret hope outlives them all." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. ~Ambrose Bierce

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. ~Oscar Wilde

"A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take."-- Cardinal Mermillod

"A mother is never cocky or proud, because she knows the school principal may call at any minute to report that her child has just driven a motorcycle through the gymnasium."-- Mary Kay Blakeley

"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother."-- Unknown

Children seldom misquote you. They more often repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. -Mae Maloo



This is for all the mothers who froze their buns off on metal bleachers at soccer games instead of watching from cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see my goal?" They could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who have sat up all night with sick children in their arms, wiping up barf, laced with Oscar Meyer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's OK honey, Mommy's here."

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see and for the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes and for all the mothers who don't.

What makes a good mother anyway?
Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?
The jolt that takes you from sleeping to dread, from bed to crib at 2 a.m. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
Is it the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a school shooting, a fire, a car accident, a baby dying?
I think so.
So this is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the mothers who wanted to but just couldn't.

This is for reading "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then reading it again, "Just one more time".

This is for all the mothers who mess up. Who yell at their kids in grocery store and swat them in despair and stomp their feet like a tired two year old who wants ice cream before dinner.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started to school and for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

For all the mothers who bite their lips (sometimes until they bleed) when their 14 year olds dyed their hair green.

This is for all the mothers who lock themselves in the bathroom when babies keep crying and won't stop.

This is for all mothers who show at work with spit-up in their hair and milkstains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

This is for mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for all mothers whose heads turn automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home or are grown.

This is for mothers who put pinwheels and teddy bears on their children's graves.

This is for all the mothers whose children have gone astray and who can't find words to reach them.

This is for all the mothers who sent their child to school with a stomach ache, assuring that they would be just FINE once they got there, only to get a call from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up right away.

This is for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working moms and stay-at-home moms. Single mothers and married mothers.
Mothers with money and mothers without.

This is for you, so hang in there. The world would be a terrible place without the love of mothers everywhere. You make it a more civil, caring and safe place for the precious children in our world.
~~ Author Unknown ~~

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Top Ten Quotes from "Stress Relief" episode of "The Office"

Last week I gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [lights a cigarette] Today, smoking is gonna save lives. [throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid]

I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.

Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.


Michael: Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.

Michael: So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist.

Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight: I have.
Michael: Let's hear it.
Dwight: [clears throat] "I state my regret."
Jim: You couldn't of memorized that?
Dwight: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.
Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!

Michael: Remember when people used to say ‘boss,’ when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, ‘boss’ is just slang for ‘jerk in charge’.

Dwight: It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.

Michael: I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.

Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Michael: Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam: Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage]
Kevin: How small is it?
Pam: If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!

Bonus Quotes (There were so many more than just 10 from this episode!):

Michael: They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case.

Oscar: I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry.

Andy: Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.

Michael: We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.

Pam: We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people.
Jim: And we don't know how.
Pam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim: Punishment fits the crime.

Michael: My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice...

Monday, February 23, 2009

Top Ten Quotes from "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone"

Professor McGonagall: Albus, do you really think it wise, leaving him here with these people? I've watched them all day, they're the worst sort of Muggles imaginable. They really are...
Dumbledore: The only family he has.
Professor McGonagall: This boy will be famous. There won't be a child in our world who doesn't know his name.
Dumbledore: Exactly. He's much better off growing up away from all of that... until he is ready.

"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends." - Albus Dumbledore

“So light a fire!" Harry choked. "Yes...of course...but there's no wood!" Hermione cried, wringing her hands. "HAVE YOU GONE MAD!" Ron bellowed. "ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!"

"The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with caution." - Albus Dumbledore.

Hagrid: You're a wizard, Harry!
Harry: I'm a what?

Caretaker Argus Filch: A pity they let the old punishment die... Was a time detention found you hanging by your thumbs in the dungeons... God, I miss the screaming.

Hermione: Now if you two don't mind, I'm going to bed before either of you can come up with another clever idea to get us all killed - or worse, expelled.
Ron: She needs to sort out her priorities

Ron: What do they think they're doing, keeping a thing like that locked up in a school?
Hermione: You don't use your eyes, do you? Didn't you see what it was standing on?
Ron: I wasn't looking at its feet! I was a bit preoccupied with its heads... or maybe you didn't notice? There were three!

“Your aunt and uncle will be proud, though, won’t they?” said Hermione as they got off the train and joined the crowd thronging toward the enchanted barrier. “When they hear what you did this year?” “Proud?” said Harry. “Are you crazy? All those times I could’ve gotten myself killed and I didn’t manage it? They’ll be furious…”

Harry: [loudly] Voldemort?
Hagrid: Shhh! It was dark times, Harry, dark times. Voldemort started to gather some followers, brought 'em over to the dark side. Anyone who stood up to him ended up dead. Your parents fought against him, but nobody lived once he decided to kill them. Nobody... not one... 'cept you.
Harry: Me? Voldemort tried to kill... ME?
Hagrid: Yes. That ain't no ordinary cut on your forehead. A mark like that only comes from being touched by a curse, and an evil curse at that.
Harry: What happened to Vol- to You-Know-Who?
Hagrid: Well, some say he died. Codswallop in my opinion. Nope, I reckon he's still out there, too tired to carry on. But one thing's certain, something about you stumped him that night. That's why you're famous, Harry, that's why everybody knows your name. You're the boy who lived.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Top Ten Quotes from "Pride and Prejudice"

#10 - I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine. - Elizabeth about Darcy, Chapter 5.

#9 - Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us. - Mary Bennett, Chapter 5.

#8 - "Nothing is more deceitful," said Darcy, "than the appearance of humility. It is often only carelessness of opinion, and sometimes an indirect boast." - Chapter 10.

#7 - You expect me to account for opinions which you choose to call mine, but which I have never acknowledged. - Darcy to Elizabeth, Chapter 10.

#6 - Laugh as much as you choose, but you will not laugh me out of my opinion. - Jane Bennett, Chapter 17.

#5 - The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense. -Elizabeth, Chapter 24.

#4 - You are mistaken, Mr. Darcy, if you suppose that the mode of your declaration affected me in any other way, than as it spared me the concern which I might have felt in refusing you, had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner. - Elizabeth to Darcy after he accuses her of only refusing his hand in marriage because of the way he proposed, Chapter 35.

#3 - Neither duty, nor honour, nor gratitude ... have any possible claim on me. - Elizabeth to Lady Catherine de Bourgh, Chapter 56.

#2 - You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever. - Darcy to Elizabeth, Chapter 58.

#1 - I cannot fix on the hour, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun. - Darcy to Elizabeth who asked him to to account for having fallen in love with her, Chapter 60.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Top Ten Dilbert Quotes

From the Dilbert series of comic strips, drawn by Scott Adams.

#10 - Bob the Dinosaur: It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

#9 - Dogbert: This'll cure you immediately.
Dilbert: Really? What is it?
Dogbert: A placebo.
Dilbert: A placebo? Now that you've told me it's a placebo, it's not gonna work.
Dogbert: It will if you think it will.
Dilbert: But I already know it's a placebo!
Dogbert: Maybe it isn't.
Dilbert: You just said it was!
Dogbert: That's precisely the power of the placebo.

#8 - Dogbert: I like to con people. And I like to insult people. If you combine con & insult, you get consult!

#7 - Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's School for the Socially Oblivious. Today I'll pair you with someone whose social defect will cancel out your own.

#6 - Dogbert: Work is for losers. A winner says 'That's on my list' and never commits to a deadline.

#5 - Dogbert: There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.

#4 - Dogbert: Your biggest asset is rampant ignorance. You would never start a project if you knew how much it would really cost. Employees stay here because they don't know there are better jobs across the street. Customers buy your products because they don't know about all the bugs. I recommend wearing trash cans on your heads to avoid accidental exposure to knowledge.

#3 - Dogbert: Dear Tim, your book does not meet our current publishing needs. Your plot was lame and I hated your characters. By association I have come to hate you too. For safety reasons, I have hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript.

#2 Dogbert: You're not entitled to your opinion. I copyrighted all of the stupidest opinions in the universe so they can never again be uttered.

#1 - Catbert: Your boss says you have a bad attitude.
Dilbert: That's because my project is a flailing corpse of misery, and my boss donated his brain to a gum museum. If I had a good attitude in this situation, it would be a sign of mental imbalance. My bad attitude is proof that I am thinking clearly. Are you going to compliment me on my clarity or demand I be irrational?
Catbert: I'm putting you in charge of the Employee Morale Festival.
Dilbert: I have a sudden urge to grab you by the tail and beat myself to death.
Catbert: That's how I know I won the meeting.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Top Ten Things To Do On The Third Fourth Consecutive Day Of A Non-Stop-Torrential-Down-Pour-Storm

#10 – Wake up, look outside. Go back to bed and try again tomorrow.
#9 – Walk around the house in your bathrobe all day long.
#8 – Apologize to your dog for not being able to take him outside… again.
#7 – Clean up the dog’s pee from under the kitchen table. Sigh.
#6 – Go on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and your blog. Complain endlessly to the virtual world about the rain, your misery and of all the great things you could be doing, but can’t. Wait patiently as the influx of empathetic comments and well wishes from your friends, fans and followers arrive in your inbox or comments.
#5 – Fall into a deep depression, of which the depths will leave you scarred and miserable for the rest of your life. Or until the sun comes out again.
#4 – Check the weather channel, throw shoe at TV.
#3 – Bake some chocolate chip cookies. You will be wearing layers of clothing for the rest of your life because the rain will never stop, so tell the annoying voice in your head to “shut-up” and indulge. You so know you want to.
#2 – Sit on couch and stare out window. Visualize the rain stopping and believe that you can will it away with your mind. Do this until it stops, then take full credit.
#1 – Punch anyone in the face that says “the rain is good, we really need it.”

Friday, February 13, 2009

Blonde Jokes

#10 - Why did the blonde drive into the ditch
To turn the blinker off.

#9 - Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

#8 - Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said “Don’t Walk.”

#7 - Why did the blonde burn her ear?
The phone rang while she was ironing!

#6 - If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
The brunette. The blonde would have to stop for directions!

#5 - Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton?
It said "concentrate" on it!

#4 – Why couldn’t the blonde call “911?”
She couldn’t find the “11” button.

#3 - Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
Because she loved children.

#2 - How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday?
Tell her a joke on a Monday!

#1 - Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Quotes from Season 2 of "The Office"

10. Pam: It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect.

9. Pam: Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.

8. Kevin: I'd like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I'd still like one.

7. Michael: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

6. Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

5. Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

4. Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." [flips to another paper] "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."

Jim: [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.

Michael: [reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."

Jim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.

Michael: [reading] "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'."

Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.

Michael: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."

Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.

3. Michael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.

2. Dwight: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

1. Dwight: It's a terrible idea. (the women of the office are gathered in the conference room for a “women in the workplace” seminar)
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Brain Teasers

How many do you know? Answers below.

#10 - Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

#9 - If a plane crashed on the border of USA and Canada, where would they bury the survivors?

#8 - You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position do you finish?

#7 - A man rides into town on his horse. He rides in on Monday spends 6 days in town and leaves on Friday. How is that possible?

#6 - Two cops walked into a room with no windows and found a dead man who obviously hung himself from the ceiling, though they couldn't figure out how. There was no chair beneath him that he might have jumped off of, or a table. Just a puddle of water. How did he do it?

#5 - It's more powerful than God. It's more evil than the devil. The poor have it. The rich need it. If you eat it, you'll die. What am I?

#4 - You have four unmarked bottles of pills each containing 100 tablets. One bottle of pills is poisoned. The good pills weigh exactly 1 gram a piece. The poisoned ones weigh exactly 1.1 gram a piece. You also have use of a scale, but can only use it one time. How can you determine with certainty which bottle of pills is poisoned?

#3 - A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

#2 - A man leaves home and takes three left turns. Upon arriving back home he comes across two men wearing masks. Who are these men?

#1 - George's mother had three children: one named April, one named May, and one named what?

10. all of them
9. you don't bury survivors
8. second
7. his horse is named Friday
6. he stood on a block of ice
5. nothing
4. remove 1 pill from bottle #1
remove 2 pills from bottle #2
remove 3 pills from bottle #3
remove 4 pills from bottle #4
combine all 10 pills together and weigh them. If bottle #1 has the poisoned pills, the 10

pills will weigh 10.1 grams.
10.2 = bottle #2
10.3 = bottle #3
10.4 = bottle #4

3. She is a photographer... she shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
2. a catcher and an umpire

1. George

Monday, February 9, 2009

Bumper Sticker Quotes

#10 - Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

#9 - Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

#8 - Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

#7 - We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

#6 - Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

#5 - Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

#4 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

#3 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

#2 - 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

#1 - You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Quotes On Friendship

#10 – “Good friends pick you up when you fall… Best friends push you down again and make you laugh!” -Unknown

#9 - "It takes a long time to grow an old friend." - John Leonard

#8 - "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus

#7 - "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with." - Mark Twain

#6 - "Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job." – Unknown

#5 - "Friendship is always a sweet responsibilty, never an oppourtunity." - Kahil Gibran

#4 - "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." - Flavia

#3 - "Believe not only in yourself, but believe in your friends as well for it is in the eyes of your friends that you discover yourself."- Emmy Huot

#2 - "Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success." - Oscar Wilde

#1 – “You and I will be friends until we are old and senile… then we’ll be new friends.” - Unknown

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Winnie the Pooh Quotes

#10 – “They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#9 – “When late morning rolls around and you're feeling a bit out of sorts, don't worry; you're probably just a little eleven o'clockish.”-- Winnie the Pooh

#8 – “Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#7 – “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like, ‘What about lunch?’” -- Winnie the Pooh

#6 - “Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone what you are looking for before you begin looking for it.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#5 – “My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#4 – “If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#3 – “I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit. "No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#2 – “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#1 - "Well," said Pooh, "what I like best -- " and then he had to stop and think. Because although eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. -- Winnie the Pooh

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Quotes from Season 1 of "The Office"

Jim: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.
Jim: Thank you.

It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.

Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

Dwight: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision.

Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.

Michael: The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did, because we were ahead.

Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

Dwight: Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
Dwight: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
Jim: Absolutely, I do.
Dwight: Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...
Jim: (to the camera, away from Dwight)At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me. And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way."

People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.

Dwight: Damn it! Jim!
Michael: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?
Dwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
Pam: [Laughing]
Dwight: That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.

Monday, February 2, 2009

#1 internet & e-mail parable


by Portia Nelson

1. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

2. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place but, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

3. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. my eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

4. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

5. I walk down another street.