Dwight: Last week I gave a fire safety talk. [clears throat] And nobody paid any attention. It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. PowerPoint is boring. People learn in a lot of different ways, but experience is the best teacher. [lights a cigarette] Today, smoking is gonna save lives. [throws cigarette into garbage can filled with paper and lighter fluid]
Dwight: I just want to say for the record, I did not kill anyone. Stanley was attacked by his own heart. And he should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days.
Michael: Nobody should have to go to work thinking, "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." That's what a hospital is for. An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to... An office is a place where dreams come true.
Michael: Okay, look. David, this is why we have training. We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.
Michael: So... it wasn't Dwight after all. Looks like I am the killer. You never expect that you're the killer... it's uh... great twist. Great twist.
Michael: Hi, everyone. Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight: I have.
Michael: Let's hear it.
Dwight: [clears throat] "I state my regret."
Jim: You couldn't of memorized that?
Dwight: I could not, because I do not feel it. Okay, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret as an acknowledgement that you heard it. Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal.
Phyllis: It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight: Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years and forced him not to exercise. Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, okay? Make a line. Just form a line right here. Sign it! Sign it now!
Michael: Remember when people used to say ‘boss,’ when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man... Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, ‘boss’ is just slang for ‘jerk in charge’.
Dwight: It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He's either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he's like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.
Michael: I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
Pam: Well I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses.
Michael: Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right?
Pam: Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage]
Kevin: How small is it?
Pam: If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!
Bonus Quotes (There were so many more than just 10 from this episode!):
Michael: They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should... better hold onto them pills, just in case.
Oscar: I consider myself a good person. But I'm gonna try to make him cry.
Andy: Jim and Pam are, like, movie geniuses. They're catching things that are totally going over my head.
Michael: We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things when Stanley had his... when his heart went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do. So I thought we should have CPR training class and of course you can't get the practice dummy unless the instructor comes along with it. Red Cross, you know, racket.
Pam: We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest, hardworking people.
Jim: And we don't know how.
Pam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim: Punishment fits the crime.
Michael: My goal is to make this office as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. I think sounds have a lot to do with that. Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. [a couple of sounds play on the computer] That one makes me think... of death. It's kinda nice...