Top Ten Dilbert Quotes

From the Dilbert series of comic strips, drawn by Scott Adams.

#10 - Bob the Dinosaur: It might look like I'm standing motionless, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to go away.

#9 - Dogbert: This'll cure you immediately.
Dilbert: Really? What is it?
Dogbert: A placebo.
Dilbert: A placebo? Now that you've told me it's a placebo, it's not gonna work.
Dogbert: It will if you think it will.
Dilbert: But I already know it's a placebo!
Dogbert: Maybe it isn't.
Dilbert: You just said it was!
Dogbert: That's precisely the power of the placebo.

#8 - Dogbert: I like to con people. And I like to insult people. If you combine con & insult, you get consult!

#7 - Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's School for the Socially Oblivious. Today I'll pair you with someone whose social defect will cancel out your own.

#6 - Dogbert: Work is for losers. A winner says 'That's on my list' and never commits to a deadline.

#5 - Dogbert: There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.

#4 - Dogbert: Your biggest asset is rampant ignorance. You would never start a project if you knew how much it would really cost. Employees stay here because they don't know there are better jobs across the street. Customers buy your products because they don't know about all the bugs. I recommend wearing trash cans on your heads to avoid accidental exposure to knowledge.

#3 - Dogbert: Dear Tim, your book does not meet our current publishing needs. Your plot was lame and I hated your characters. By association I have come to hate you too. For safety reasons, I have hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript.

#2 Dogbert: You're not entitled to your opinion. I copyrighted all of the stupidest opinions in the universe so they can never again be uttered.

#1 - Catbert: Your boss says you have a bad attitude.
Dilbert: That's because my project is a flailing corpse of misery, and my boss donated his brain to a gum museum. If I had a good attitude in this situation, it would be a sign of mental imbalance. My bad attitude is proof that I am thinking clearly. Are you going to compliment me on my clarity or demand I be irrational?
Catbert: I'm putting you in charge of the Employee Morale Festival.
Dilbert: I have a sudden urge to grab you by the tail and beat myself to death.
Catbert: That's how I know I won the meeting.