10. Pam: It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect.
9. Pam: Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.
8. Kevin: I'd like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I'd still like one.
7. Michael: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
6. Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
5. Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
4. Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." [flips to another paper] "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim: [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.
Michael: [reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.
Michael: [reading] "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'."
Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."
Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.
3. Michael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.
2. Dwight: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
1. Dwight: It's a terrible idea. (the women of the office are gathered in the conference room for a “women in the workplace” seminar)
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
9. Pam: Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.
8. Kevin: I'd like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I'd still like one.
7. Michael: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
6. Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
5. Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?
4. Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." [flips to another paper] "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
Jim: [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.
Michael: [reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."
Jim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.
Michael: [reading] "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'."
Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."
Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.
3. Michael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.
2. Dwight: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
1. Dwight: It's a terrible idea. (the women of the office are gathered in the conference room for a “women in the workplace” seminar)
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.
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