Quotes from Season 2 of "The Office"

10. Pam: It's performance review day, company-wide. Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and it ended with him telling me he could bench-press 190 pounds. So, I don't really know what to expect.

9. Pam: Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.

8. Kevin: I'd like a magazine.
Linda: We just need urine, sir.
Kevin: I'd still like one.

7. Michael: I told Dwight that there is honor in losing. Which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous, but there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better which is what I just did for Dwight. Would I rather be feared or loved? Um, easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

6. Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

5. Dwight: I.D. badges are long overdue. Security in this office park is a joke. Last year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

4. Michael: Okay, so Dwight, in your own words - [reads from complaint paper] "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert." [flips to another paper] "Everyone has called me 'Dwayne' all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to."

Jim: [laughs] Yes! Five bucks each. And it was totally worth it.

Michael: [reading] "This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer." [flips to another paper] "Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can." Gah. "This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone."

Jim: That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.

Michael: [reading] "Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'."

Jim: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.

Michael: "By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier."

Jim: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.


3. Michael: The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.


2. Dwight: I have been Michael's #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We're like one of those classic famous teams. He's like Mozart, and I'm like Mozart's friend. No. I'm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you're going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.

1. Dwight: It's a terrible idea. (the women of the office are gathered in the conference room for a “women in the workplace” seminar)
Jim: What is?
Dwight: Them in there all together. If they stay in there too long they're going to get on the same cycle. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

Brain Teasers

How many do you know? Answers below.

#10 - Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

#9 - If a plane crashed on the border of USA and Canada, where would they bury the survivors?

#8 - You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position do you finish?

#7 - A man rides into town on his horse. He rides in on Monday spends 6 days in town and leaves on Friday. How is that possible?

#6 - Two cops walked into a room with no windows and found a dead man who obviously hung himself from the ceiling, though they couldn't figure out how. There was no chair beneath him that he might have jumped off of, or a table. Just a puddle of water. How did he do it?

#5 - It's more powerful than God. It's more evil than the devil. The poor have it. The rich need it. If you eat it, you'll die. What am I?

#4 - You have four unmarked bottles of pills each containing 100 tablets. One bottle of pills is poisoned. The good pills weigh exactly 1 gram a piece. The poisoned ones weigh exactly 1.1 gram a piece. You also have use of a scale, but can only use it one time. How can you determine with certainty which bottle of pills is poisoned?

#3 - A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

#2 - A man leaves home and takes three left turns. Upon arriving back home he comes across two men wearing masks. Who are these men?

#1 - George's mother had three children: one named April, one named May, and one named what?


Answers:
10. all of them
9. you don't bury survivors
8. second
7. his horse is named Friday
6. he stood on a block of ice
5. nothing
4. remove 1 pill from bottle #1
remove 2 pills from bottle #2
remove 3 pills from bottle #3
remove 4 pills from bottle #4
combine all 10 pills together and weigh them. If bottle #1 has the poisoned pills, the 10
pills will weigh 10.1 grams.
10.2 = bottle #2
10.3 = bottle #3
10.4 = bottle #4
3. She is a photographer... she shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.
2. a catcher and an umpire
1. George

Bumper Sticker Quotes

#10 - Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

#9 - Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

#8 - Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.

#7 - We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

#6 - Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

#5 - Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

#4 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

#3 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

#2 - 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

#1 - You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Quotes On Friendship

#10 – “Good friends pick you up when you fall… Best friends push you down again and make you laugh!” -Unknown

#9 - "It takes a long time to grow an old friend." - John Leonard

#8 - "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus

#7 - "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with." - Mark Twain

#6 - "Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job." – Unknown

#5 - "Friendship is always a sweet responsibilty, never an oppourtunity." - Kahil Gibran

#4 - "Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." - Flavia

#3 - "Believe not only in yourself, but believe in your friends as well for it is in the eyes of your friends that you discover yourself."- Emmy Huot

#2 - "Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success." - Oscar Wilde

#1 – “You and I will be friends until we are old and senile… then we’ll be new friends.” - Unknown

Winnie the Pooh Quotes

#10 – “They're funny things, Accidents. You never have them till you're having them.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#9 – “When late morning rolls around and you're feeling a bit out of sorts, don't worry; you're probably just a little eleven o'clockish.”-- Winnie the Pooh

#8 – “Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#7 – “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like, ‘What about lunch?’” -- Winnie the Pooh

#6 - “Before beginning a Hunt, it is wise to ask someone what you are looking for before you begin looking for it.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#5 – “My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#4 – “If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#3 – “I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit. "No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#2 – “If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.” -- Winnie the Pooh

#1 - "Well," said Pooh, "what I like best -- " and then he had to stop and think. Because although eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. -- Winnie the Pooh

Quotes from Season 1 of "The Office"

#10
Jim: Wait. What are you writing? Don't write Ebola or mad cow disease. Right? 'Cause I'm suffering from both.
Pam: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim: Oh, great.
Pam: So, let's say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim: I thought you said you were inventing diseases? That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam: Nice.
Jim: Thank you.

#9
Dwight: It's a real shame, 'cause studies have shown that more information gets passed through water-cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage, because I bring my own water to work.

#8
Pam: This was tough. I suggested we flip a coin. But Angela said she doesn't like to gamble. Of course by saying that she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her.

#7
Dwight: I'm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are... at vision.

#6
Michael: Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.

#5
Michael: The great thing about sports is that it is all about character. And you can learn lessons about life even if you don't win. But we did, because we were ahead.

#4
Dwight: Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.

#3
Dwight: Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the downsizing? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.
Dwight: Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?
Jim: Absolutely, I do.
Dwight: Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...
Jim: (to the camera, away from Dwight)At that moment, I was so happy. I mean, everything Dwight does annoys me. And I spend hours thinking of ways to get back at him, but only in ways that could get me arrested. And then here he comes and he says "No, Jim, here's a way."

#2
Michael: People say I am the best boss. They go, "God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious." "And you get the best out of us." [shows the camera his WORLD'S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.

#1
Dwight: Damn it! Jim!
Michael: OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?
Dwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again.
Pam: [Laughing]
Dwight: That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.

#1 internet & e-mail parable

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

1. I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lost ... I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

2. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again. I can't believe I am in the same place but, it isn't my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

3. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in ... it's a habit. my eyes are open I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

4. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

5. I walk down another street.


I